Metal up your bass!

[The Shadow]

*As the XMA hurtles toward THE COUTROOM, JUDGE ITO and the panicked members of the Incapables desperately attempt to evacuate the building. Of course, this is impossible, because Moby Dick (his presence necessitated by the fact that Incapable drummer Captain Ahab's Missing Leg is still trapped inside him) is a 70-foot long, 55-ton sperm whale. As is often the case when sperm whales are stuffed into an inconsiderately human-sized courtroom, he is inadvertently blocking all the exits. Thanks to the vicarious memory of every legal incident ever, which is secretly granted to all judges upon their confirmation/appointment/anointing/whatever-the-correct-term-is, JUDGE ITO is immediately wracked with seizures as he experiences traumatic flashbacks to the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire of 1911.
Alarmed by THE COUTROOM's impending destruction via XMA and the general atmosphere of impotent panic created by The Incapables, Moby Dick, who for the past century and a half has worked so hard to restore his reputation as a serene, sophisticated, not-at-all-murderous gentlewhale after being savagely slandered by Herman Melville, allows himself to commit a minor breach in etiquette by emitting a small fear-induced methane bomb. Of course, what a 55-ton sperm whale considers a minor flatulent discharge and what scientists generally classify as a true MFD (approximately 0.1-2.3 on the Rectum Scale) are very different things, and the velocity of this indiscretion has the unexpected effect of blasting out an entire wall of THE COUTROOM, allowing The Incapables and a very embarrassed but alive Moby Dick to escape the area before it is obliterated by the XMA. JUDGE ITO, sadly, is left behind. Oddly, he does not turn into Kirk Cameron.*

[The Shadow]

*Inspired by their brush with death, the Incapables set about recording a NON-silent album to commemorate their triumph. Drawing from Deep Purple's classic tale of the Montreux Casino fire, "Smoke on the Water", The Incapables hire Ian Gillan as their vocalist and record a hit single detailing their escape from THE COUTROOM:
It shot through the atmosphere
We had to get out of here
Moby Dick was blockin' all the ways,
earnin' that second name
But Moby saved us all
With his anal volcano
He knocked down the walls that day
Butt-yodeled them away
Blowwwwwwed up THE COOOOUUUUUUTROOOOOM
That gol-durn XMA
Blowwwwwwed up THE COOOOUUUUUUTROOOOOM
The Incapables release a full album to go along with the new single, borrowing the title "Never Again" from Disturbed's defiant track of the same name. However, with Moby Dick still committed to maintaining a genteel, non-provocative public image, and now holding much more influence in the band due to his role in its survival, this is softened slightly to No More Than Two More Times, Three Max.
Unfortunately, this turns out to be a terrible marketing decision, as the length of this title technically puts the album into the same category of music as The Rockzerkers' revered GUAYGOMUHWDYOFTWYHICWALWYTTGTWOT, a highly competitive genre loosely defined by music critics as the "New Wave of Hard Rock and/or Heavy Metal Featuring Non-Traditional Instruments and Unnecessarily Long Album Titles, Much Like This Label Itself". Unfairly compared to GUAYGOMUHWDYOFTWYHICWALWYTTGTWOT by critics and fans alike, No More Than Two More Times, Three Max is mocked for its inferior musicianship and laughably short name. Despite the popularity of "Blowed Up THE COUTROOM", the album is a commercial failure and Moby Dick is promptly fired by the rest of the band.*

[DEATH]

*Know Way!!!, guided by the combined career comeback expertise of Dave Mustaine and David Lee Roth, decide to get in on this trend of actually producing music that has taken off in the thread.*

*Alex Van Halen is rattled by news of his brother's apparent demise, and so inspired pens the first single, a soulful ballad titled "It Feels Like You Died in a Flaming Space Craft Accident (And I Just Can't Let You Go)". The sentimental ode to EVH is a bit hamstrung by vocal performance, as Dave Mustaine is forced to sing lead duties and DLR's maniacal laughter is audible in the background.*

*Mustaine and DLR tangle on album titling duties. Wanting to take a swipe at The Incapables, Mustaine offers up Three Times is For Suckers and *deleted*. DLR spots an innuendo opportunity (as always) and submits a revision titled Three Times is For Suckers and *deleted* (Unless It's a Two Piece, In Which Case Four Is OK With Me!). Mustaine is sub-appreciative of the contribution, channeling his inner Micheal Scott and revising the revision as Three Times is For Suckers and *deleted* (Unless It's a Two Piece, In Which Case Four Is OK With Me!) [That's What She Said!]. The process falls into disarray and Grover Cleveland is assigned the task of coming up with the title, resulting in the record being called I Am Not A Crook!. Know Way!!!'s record label rejects this as unmarketable and attempting to steal the Rockzerker's thunder, appends Cleveland's addition to Dave/Dave's work, resulting in the album being titled Three Times is For Suckers and *deleted* (Unless It's a Two Piece, In Which Case Four Is OK With Me!) [That's What She Said!]{I Am Not A Crook!}, but more marketed by it's stylish acronym, TTIFSAPUIATPIWCFIOWMTWSSIANAC.*

*DEATH ponders the madness of the recording process thus far....and waits.*

[DEATH]

*In Foods of Vomit-land, Kirk Hammett, SLH discovers that his non-existent hand has the ability to haunt people, but mostly is limited to doing so with rapid hammer-ons/pull-offs and pentatonic scale runs, while a phantom WAH pedal groans in the background.*

[GAH(s)]

*The Leaky Faucets, too busy producing epic tracks to pay much attention to the carnage around them,find themselves in a bit of a jam when their lead singer goes missing...again! Hurriedly looking for a replacement, they press StrongBad into service as a singer/guitarist. The resulting single "I wish that Flash wasn't a dying technology, now how will I humorously read my emails out to my adoring fans, who are also idiots? Also, do I ever take this luchador mask off, or is it just getting ranker and ranker?" comes together instantly and to great applause from the members of the band, who decide that StrongBad's emails are more interesting than Hillary Clinton's. Accordingly, the single becomes the eponymous track for the album: Leaky Faucets, Volume One: I wish that Flash wasn't a dying technology, now how will I humorously read my emails out to my adoring fans, who are also idiots? Also, do I ever take this luchador mask off, or is it just getting ranker and ranker?". It is, unsurprisingly, abbreviated as LFVOIWTFWADTNHWIHRMEOTMAFWAAI?, placing it on solid footing in the freshly-minted NWOFHRAOHMFNTIAULATMLTLI genre. Abruptly, the rest of the album is released, although it only consists of an additional 9 tracks of harmonized flatulence and Flemish profanities. It is an instant hit, particularly with basement dwelling neckbeards in the Ukraine. Gabe Newell sends the band honorary Steam Machines, which they immediately pack with Semtex, set to detonate upon exposure to Foods of Vomit band members, and mail off to FoM headquarters.

Question Mark decides that it's high time that ALL of the other bands felt the wrath of Leaky Faucets, and so he sends teams of flood fairies that will continually cause flooding in any recording location that the opposing bands are trying to record in. Each fairy team can only be sated by the gruesome sacrifice of a band member from the band they are harassing.*

*SHOfT! still reeling from the apparent setback suffered in outer space, sees its lone surviving member, SheMorgisBjorg, make landfall amidst the streaking meteorites of his former bandmates. Ruthlessly as oozeficient as ever, Shemorgisbjorg begins re-establishing SHOfT!'s roster. To guarantee a modicum of protection, he carefully future bandmates based on their general public approval, improvisational skills, and imperviousness. The current SHOfT! lineup becomes:

Vocals- Zombie Robin Williams
Guitar(s)- Zombie Johnny Cash
Bass- SheMorgisBjorg
Drums - Mjölnir, Hammer of Thor
Keyboard - Zombie Ray Charles
Public Relations and vassal subjugation - Vladimir Putin
Producer and order fulfillment - Bob Ross

SHOfT! takes time out to pen the lyrics to the next track on their debut album: "Even Though Most Of Our Bandmates Died In A Horrible, Freak Space Station Explosion Accident, Rather Than Resurrecting Any Of Them, We've Opted For Raising Up A Bunch Of Other Dead Guys Instead, And Also A Fictitious Tool, But One Of Our Guys Has 'Zombie Ray' In His Name, So We've Got That Going For Us, We Guess", or ETMOOBDIAHFSSEARTRAOTWOFRUABOODGIAAAFTBOOOGHZRIHNSWGTGFUWG for short. Not to be outdone by the chaotic concatenations of the competition, they anonymously send a tray of seizeburgers to Know Way's rehearsal and recording facility. Floating lightly on the strange floodwaters that have invaded Know Way's space, the tempting morsels of destruction come to a rest in the midst of the unsuspecting nemeses... Back at SHOfT headquarters, the decision is made to sacrifice SheMorgisBjorg in order get rid of the annoying flood fairies, and accordingly force him to feed himself to DISCOCTION, the ancient parakeet god of ruin and unintelligible-but-vaguely-familiar maxims. Chortling, "GET THE BELLY, GET THE BEEEEEELLLLLLYYYYYY!" DISCOCTION slurps SheMorgisBjorg down, causing all of the flood fairies to isntantly vacate SHOfT! HQ, which is, by the way built into Mt. Rushmore.

Accordingly, the SHOfT! roster now reads:
Vocals- Zombie Robin Williams
Guitar(s)- Zombie Johnny Cash
Bass- Vacant
Drums - Mjölnir, Hammer of Thor
Keyboard - Zombie Ray Charles
Public Relations and vassal subjugation - Vladimir Putin
Producer and order fulfillment - Bob Ross

Screeching in arcane and primeval bloodlust, DISCOCTION sets sail on the winds of the night, to wreak destruction upon the enemies of SHOfT! Staring at the retreating image of the appalling avian, Zombie Robin Williams states "Reaaaaaaaaaaaarghghhhh, faezlr", which, roughly translated, equates to, "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Something in the recent and moving events stirs a dim memory in the breast of Zombie Johnny Cash, aka ZJC. "GaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrgggglejarma", he moans, which is his way of saying, "This may come as a surprise to you all, but now that we find ourselves without a bass player, it occurs to me that my daddy, in point of fact, SANG bass." A rapid vote is taken and the decision is unanimous: Zombie Johnny Cash's Zombie Daddy, aka ZJCZD, will be immediately hired on as the new bass...singer. The lineup is accordingly changed to:

Vocals- Zombie Robin Williams
Guitar(s)- Zombie Johnny Cash
Bass- Zombie Johnny Cash's Zombie Daddy
Drums - Mjölnir, Hammer of Thor
Keyboard - Zombie Ray Charles
Public Relations and vassal subjugation - Vladimir Putin
Producer and order fulfillment - Bob Ross

After an awkward 3 hour delay, during which Zombie Johnny Cash's Zombie Daddy expresses his deep disappointment in virtually all aspects of Zombie Johnny Cash's comportment and character, the band gets back to work. With the chugging guitar of Zombie Johnny Cash, the rich basso profundo moanings of Zombie Johnny Cash's Zombie Daddy, the rapid (rabid?) and whimsically profound delivery of Zombie Robin Williams, the steady--albeit drum-destroying--rhythm of Mjölnir, Hammer of Thor, and the bluesy, albeit slightly-out-of-place-in-a-metal context ivory tinkling of Zombie Ray Charles (who has replaced his glasses with a Cyclops-style death ray), SHOfT is back and better than ever.*

[DEATH]

*DEATH, returned from his most recent spree of necroposting to decade old threads nearaboots (and having noticed we have a like button now?), surveys the situation carefully. Breaking the fourth wall, he says:

"Hey....uh....we have a BAND ROSTER THREAD for all that sort of yammerscrawl about lineups!"*

*The SEMTEX-equipped Steam systems arrive at FoV headquarters, but their thermodynamic efficiency is noticeably quashed by the presence of floodwaters which have barraged FoV's HQ, the old San Francisco Presidio studio referenced in "Some Kind of Monster", sending shockwaves through the water that leave most members unharmed but severing the ridiculously long left arm of Knowingest J. Drawbridges. Mr. Drawbridges had been practicing his namesake technique on a distant door through which the SEMTEX PCs came in. Joining Kirk Hammett, SLH in the "amputated left limb club", KJD writhes in pain while the ever-sardonic Vic Rattlehead mocks him with Megadeth lyrics about not Knowingest quite as muchest as the name would suggestest. In order to adhere to precedent, Mr. Drawbridges is also sent to rehab via a rooftop medical evac helicopter to overcome his left arm-ed-ness.

Tactically unprepared for the aquatic quandary which has befallen them, Inflatable OJ Simpson is immediately sacrificed for the cause of flotation. Quite literally pressed into this service, Floaty OJ is heard protesting "If the glove does not fit, you must acqu---(gurgling noises)!!" before a silence as his inflatable head is submerged beneath the flood. In his honor, an acoustic set of "Trapped Under Ice" is performed on his back by the surviving members scavenging whatever floating instruments can be found.

As Floaty OJ begins to take on water, the floodwaters recede, his sacrifice having been a two-fer satiating the flood fairies as well as buoyancy. DISCOCTION appears to harvest Floaty OJ, mocking him with his routine about police officers. An offended Vic Rattlehead responds with "YOU SAY YOU'VE GOT THE ANSWERS.....WELL WHO ASKED YOU ANYWAY?!?!". FoV, down two members, gets vengeful plotting ultimate torture for Leaky Faucets and convinces Phil Towle and a documentary crew to go to the Faucets and enter them into a torturous protracted band therapy/documentary, a career-sabotaging approach FoV is strangely familiar with.*