Metal up your bass!

[GAH(s)]

All right, I don't know if this will have any takers, but here goes. I am starting a new RPG thread. Due to laziness, I am including Brett's set of rules from the Thread War, syntax will be the same. The concept is this: Up to five bands will be competing on a reality show to become the next top band (this event will mark the end of the thread).

The best band will be chosen based on the following: Showmanship (complexity of deaths dealt to opposing band members), Creativity (variety and method of dispatching opponents), Technique (ability to perform songs under duress/strenuous circumstances). The final say will be determined through a pole.

The first five people to post will be able to name a band, after that there will be NO more bands allowed, since the show will have begun.

You are able to bring only ONE character from the Thread Wars into the fray, not including your namesake (for example, I can import GAHlsl plus one more character. You are entitled to CREATE a reasonable amount of characters, reasonable being defined as an amount appropriate for the fictional situation, and not reaching the state of annoyance or redundancy. Keep in mind that characters may be resurrected after being killed, though they cannot claim to be immortal and deny the event of being killed. No characters are allowed to assume being a deity, mono or polytheistic. Logistics and common natural laws do not always apply to the characters, though characters are not allowed to perpetually escape the bounds of natural laws. The only other rule is ANARCHY.
;D

[GAH(s)]

*GAHlsl warps in from a long absence and takes stock of the surroundings. Upon realizing the situation, it immediately and unquestioningly imports SheMorgisBjorg from the Thread Wars. Their band is then created and entitled: Shorts Off for Tuesday! (or SHOfT!). GAHlsl creates a stage that appears to resemble H*ll on Ear*h and Shemorgisbjorg spawn camps. First lyrics to a new song are written and read:*
"Get your motor running, head out on that highway, you're all gonna DIE!"

[DEATH]

LOL

What an idea! I love it!

*DEATH arrives from the KILLING FIELDS to enter this carnage-based (or is it bassed?) Battle of the Bands. Making the inevitable (and painful) decision of importation amongst a plethora of qualified candidates, THE SHERIFFFF is chosen as an accompanying member.*

*After close discussion on the methods of most triumphant band-ing, they decide to emulate the 80s Hair Band model of destroying the english language. The creation is called "Know Way!!", after the signature expression of Ted Theodore Logan.*

[GAH(s)]

*The spawn camping She-Morgis-Bjorg carefully debates which of the new combatants pose the greatest threat to SHOfT! and determines that the band hates the MAN. He wraps THE SHERIFFFF in bass strings and plugs him into his own Kustom amp, frying him to DEATH, who eats THE SHERIFFFF with gusto. DEATH states:*

"If life gives you a dead SHERIFFFF, make an omelet!"

*SHoFT! hires Dweezil Zappa as its second G-tarr player and hires Hugh Grant to play keytar, SheMorgisBjorg covers bass, and Rick Allen from Def Leppard as drummer (with a new biomechanical arm that has a tasty assortment of built-in weaponry).* ;D

[DEATH]

*DEATH, having his fill of cannibalism for the moment, resists the urge to devour Dweezil out of antipathy for his politically-retarded father. Upon lamenting the loss of a bandmember, he resurrects Jefferson Davis to fill the spot of "annoying band member who deserves to be eaten", a title which THE SHERIFF only partially vindicated.*

*Mr. Davis has some culture shock for the moment and keeps uttering nonsense about "the Negro" despite repeated warnings. Finally, out of desperation, a tracheotomy is performed, which reduces the ranting to these weird intense windpipe noises. Being a man of utility, DEATH decides to install a mounted harmonica in front of Davis's throat opening, with a cranial-nerve operated movement mechanism. The improvised device while adding an unsual sonic dimension to the band, also unfortunately causes Davis extreme lightheadedness due to the breathing obstruction. Not to be wasteful of this, DEATH decides to make Davis the designated band back up dancer due to his un-coordinated stumbling about, and randomly gives him an acoustic guitar to infer additional purpose. It is determined Mr. Davis's 1865 wardobe is to be retained at all costs.*

*Turning his attention to the opposition, DEATH begins to write lyrics about "his wonderful Corvette accidents" in an attempt to destablize Rick Allen. Not to be outdone, he hires lawnmower, the self-professed one-handed rock star, to handle vocals and toss lettuce heads at SheMorgisBjorg during instrumental sections and guitar solos. The stakes are raised.*

[GAH(s)]

*Hugh grant viciously avenges Rick Allen's psychological sufferings by throwing the White House at DEATH, inadvertently tipping Obamist communism all over Jefferson Davis who starts complaining that the RICH NEGROS should pay for unemployed whities to sit at home and smoke their F*RDS. Davis eventually leaves the practice session to go write pro-socialist lyrics and invent the cotton-gin guitar hybrid: the Cotar.*
*Since Davis can not speak intelligibly, the band is left wondering what just happened. Rick Allen follows up with an incredibly fast bit of left-foot electronic pedal work and hits DEATH in the nads approximately 25 billion times*
*Question Mark Man enters the fray and attempts to create a band entitled "The WHAT?" but Pete Frampton immediately sues him for Copyright infringement based to an inferred relationship with THE WHO. Pete Frampton is awarded for criminal damages and smashes a guitar in Question Mark Man's face. Question Mark Man renames the band Leaky Faucets.*

*Meanwhile, SHoFT! hires Vladimir Putin as their PR man. He immediately launches an invasion of Georgia (the state), vowing to burn the entire state to the ground if Jefferson Davis does not sell the rights to the Cotar to Russia.*

[DEATH]

*Know Way!! is visibly shaken after the recent attack.*

*DEATH resurrects Robert E. Lee to send after Davis and attempt to ascertain what all the of the frenzied harmonica noises were about. Lee is given the reigns of the Georgia and his native Virginia national guard as a means to offset the challenge by Putin, which is now national news. The band learns of the Cotar through the newscasts, and alternately resurrects Eli Whitney to reverse engineer the Cotar in the event that Davis cannot be recaptured. News anchors openly speculate that the lightheaded stumbling of Davis is the result of alcoholism, much to the enjoyment of Know Way!!*

*DEATH begins to recover from the intense lower abdominal pain, and exacts his retribution. Bringing Dave Mustaine into the fray, Allen is paralyzed by the playing of "Dave Mustaine Sweep Picking" through the SHoFT! PA system, and Mustaine HITS THE LIGHTS and abducts Allen in the darkness. Back at the Know Way!! base, Allen is made to listen to Mustaine sing over a backing track of "Love Bites" over and over again, until he beats himself to death with his bionic arm. The entire episode provides AC/DCish lyrical inspiration for DEATH.*

"Blue and black/Hit in the sack/I do believe I got my payback!
I turned loose/Davie Muus/And Rick put himself in the ground!"

*Vic Rattlehead stumbles into the thread with his own musical aspirations. Disappointed with Mustaine's apparent defection to Know Way!!, he opts for maximum insult and hires everyone in Metallica, himself taking the bass duties. The displaced Robert Trujillo is made to don a sombrero and sing Spanish jibberish as a back up vocalist. The creation is dubbed "Floods of Vomit", after the epic album title suggestion of James Hetfield. Immediately finding themselves at odds with Leaky Faucets, they install anti-personnel pyrotechnics on the Leaky Faucets stage with the firsthand expertise of James Hetfield.*

[GAH(s)]

*Hugh Grant suffers a massive heart attack and dies*

*ShemorgisBjorg, not too terribly shaken, creates a forcefield to surround himself and defend him from the lawnmower's lettuce assaults.*

*Robert E. Lee is caught totally by surprise when Question Mark invites him to attend bandular peace talks at a SECRET LOCATION. Lee, always willing to give peace a chance, arrives only to find that the SECRET LOCATION is Appomattox Courthouse. He unconditionally surrenders and hands over all of Eli Whitney's research, the Cotar diagrams, and personally oversees the execution of Jefferson Davis, who dies whistling, er, harmonicizing, Dixie.*

*THE SEVERED ARM OF RICK ALLEN (hereafter TSAORA) is resurrected and immediately plants C-4 in Know Way!!'s bass drum, awaiting nothing more than the next practice session to severely cramp the band's style.*

*Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin finishes burning Georgia to the ground and advances on the Bay Area, maniacally slaying Nu Metal bands along the way.*

*Nick Menza is hired as the new SHoFT! drummer, while Edward Van Halen is hired as the new keyboardist. SHoFT! has a band rehearsal.*

*Question Mark Man builds an armored arena for Leaky Faucets to practice in, complete with anti-aircraft launcher and anti-anti-aircraft launchers, a moat, and an inflatable Richard Nixon.*

[DEATH]

*Floods of Vomit, noticing the awesome castle-like arena the Leaky Faucets have assembled, hires Knowingest J. Drawbridges from the Homestar Runner universe to play cowbell and help them with the moat. To help thwart any gap in defense capabilities, they purchase a used set of Thread War I-vintage General Grimmace Genital Blasters and have the co-ordinates reprogrammed for Question Mark Man. Additionally, an inflatable O.J. Simpson is purchased by the band to counter Nixon, and some good old depth charges are purchased, in case they get attacked by U-boats for some reason. In a bid to increase their marketability as a brand name, they also change their name to "Foods of Vomit" and begin to sell disgusting breakfast cereal packaged with FoV propoganda.*

*DEATH is astounded by the rapid advace of Putin (I assume you meant Bay Area as in, San Francisco?), which has now become an entire curriculum at West Point. Reacting to the surrender of Lee, he has him Stonewall Jackson'd (shot by his own troops as he returns to camp) by a newly fued-enraged Dave Mustaine (reacting to Menza) who has now become some sort of elite special forces hitman or something. As a hedge against Richard Nixon, Know Way!! resurrects former President Grover Cleveland, who's successful 1884 campaign ran the following ad:*

"Why vote for Cleveland?

1. He's not a crook.
2. He's not a crook.
3. He's not a crook.
4. He's not a crook."

*Understandably, the inflatable Nixon becomes somewhat offended and promptly adds Cleveland to his inflatable enemies list with a VERY REAL PEN.*

*Steven Tyler is hired to assume drums in Know Way!!!. However, this goes terribly awry after the C4 blows his legs off. Writhing in agony, Tyler decides to use his dispropotionately large mouth to swallow himself after realizing his new inability to "Walk this Way". The entire scene sends lawnmower off the deep end, and she breaks into the SHoFT! practice and mulches Dweezil Zappa after accusing him of being "The Man". In bladed fury, she cuts her own exit out of the building and sets off after Putin. Left vocalist-less, Know Way!!! hires David Lee Roth, who brings with him a vengeful Alex Van Halen to assume drums in hopes of besting brother Eddie's efforts in SHoFT!. Know Way!!! reschedules practice at a new maximum security facility, which is ironically staffed entirely with Blackwater employees named Max, commanded by the venerable Max Maximus.*

[The Shadow]

*The Clap, whose GOLD-seeking band of Orcs and Mongols has gotten lost on the way to Nebraska Furniture Mart, stumbles into the thread and assesses the situation. Having no confidence in his ability to reach Nebraska Furniture Mart and loot the establishment, he decides that forming a rock band will be an acceptable alternative source of GOLD, and begins the audition process. Henry VIII is the first member accepted into "The Rockzerkers", as his blazing fast mandolin solos elicit a standing ovation from the Mongols and a unified pants-crapping from the Orcs.*

*The Clap has much more difficulty deciding on a fiddler, as Emperor Nero, Sherlock Holmes, and Charlie Daniels all show up for the audition, but when Holmes points out that Nero actually plays a lyre instead of a fiddle, the Emperor stabs himself and Holmes, in an attempt to solve the murder, accidentally plunges over Victoria Falls, leaving Charlie Daniels as the obvious choice.*

*As a direct attack on the Mustaine-led Know Way!!!, The Rockzerkers take on Al Pitrelli as lead guitarist, but now finding themselves low on money and thus unable to hire Elvis Presley as the lead singer, they settle for a nearby Elvis impersonator named Jeffrey Tools. Sasquatch the Mongol is assigned to the drumset, whilst Jrzobgrrra the Orc is given a bass guitar. The Clap accepts the arduous responsibilities of Band Manager and Percussive Lip Smacks, and the Rockzerkers release their first album, "Give Us All Your GOLD Or My Unruly Horde Will Destroy You, Or, Failing That, Wrap Your House In Chicken Wire And Laugh While You Try To Get To Work On Time".*

*The album features furious mandolin, guitar, fiddle, drum, and lip-smack solos, but not very much in the way of singing or bass work, since Jeffrey Tools is, in fact, a mute, and Jrzobgrrra has mistaken his instrument for a bow and used the strings to fire arrows into Richard Nixon, fatally deflating him. The album cover art, however, features a house surrounded by chicken wire and smiling Orcs and Mongols, and the record is an instant hit.*

[The Shadow]

*In an attempt to lure THE SEVERED ARM OF RICK ALLEN away from SHOfT!, The Clap creates a mobile that features several well-known missing body parts...Captain Hook's Lost Hand, George Washington's Teeth, Captain Ahab's Missing Leg, and Sammy Davis Jr.'s Eye. The mobile proves too heavy for The Clap to manipulate, as Captain Hook's Lost Hand is contained in an alligator, Captain Ahab's Missing Leg is somewhere inside Moby Dick, and Sammy Davis Jr.'s Eye is wrapped in a mangled automobile, so the Orcs and Mongols are put to work operating it. The troupe is named The Incapables and releases an "album" featuring 17 tracks of rousing silence. THE SEVERED ARM OF RICK ALLEN is intrigued and shows up at The Incapables' headquarters (aka The Back Alley), only to be quietly beaten to death with Moby Dick.*

[DEATH]

*Foods of Vomit, reacting to the awesomely titled Rockzerkers album, has one of their signature album title sessions hoping to one up the well-received "Give Us All Your GOLD Or My Unruly Horde Will Destroy You, Or, Failing That, Wrap Your House In Chicken Wire And Laugh While You Try To Get To Work On Time", which is now colloquially referred to on metal forums as GUAYGOMUHWDYOFTWYHICWALWYTTGTWOT and revered as a classic. FOV, attempting to spread misinformation, hosts the sessions live on webcam on their website to lure the other bands into attempting to glean insight into Hetfield's legendary titling ability. In order to mislead, a Nazi Germany ENIGMA encryption machine is employed to scramble the titles before they are broadcast.*

*While FOV has no issues establishing their method of deception and setting up the meetings, the meetings themselves do not go so well, as Hetfield and Vic Rattlehead butt heads on naming convention. While Rattlehead favors using popular catchphrases and coloring them with inferred political context, Hetfield seems rather bent on using 3 word album titles. The band agrees on a combination of the two methods, and the ugly result is "RUST THE LIGHTNING". *

*The encryption machine renders this "ursthtenhgtiinlg" to a baffled web audience. A FOV PR man attributes the title to the jibberish input of Robert Trujillo while FOV fanboys hail the upcoming record as the next "Kill 'Em All". The recording process begins.*

*A stir is created in the metal community when during the FOV web broadcast, Kirk Hammett is seen wearing a T-shirt with the text "The UNcapables", which is perceived as a diss to the recently formed band of similar name.*

[The Shadow]

*The Incapables, infuriated by Kirk Hammett's irreverence for their disabilities, waste no time in filing a harassment lawsuit, handily assisted by a shady back-room deal with Judge Ito, who looks favorably upon The Incapables' case and sentences Hammett to have his left hand crushed out of existence with a sledgehammer. His guitar-playing abilities are noticeably reduced.*

[DEATH]

*Kirk Hammett, like most crushed rock stars, goes to rehab....for......."left hand withdrawal" symptoms. After months of group therapy and a 12 step program to help him overcome "left hand-ism", he emerges a new man and legally changes his name to "Kirk Hammett Sans Left Hand", abbreviated in legal documents as "Kirk Hammett, SLH" or "Hurricane Sansy" for short.

Embracing slide blues guitar, his entire left forearm stump is mechanized in polished blue steel for slide guitar duties and equipped with a 20mm cannon, just for good measure. Out of misplaced angst, a 20mm incendiary round is fired in the general direction of the Leaky Faucets.*

[GAH(s)]

*The Leaky Faucets, narrowly dodging the 20mm incendiary projectile, decide that if they´re going to die, they might as well know who THEY are. They immediately reveal themselves to be comprised of:

Vocals- The Missing Emails of Hillary Clinton
Guitar(s)- StrongBad
Bass- QUESTION MARK MAN
Drums- The UNsevered arm of the recently-deceased Rick Allen

On a roll, they immediately hit the STUDIO to begin recording. When this doesn´t work, they then ENTER the STUDIO, and press "Record". Their new album will be released in 5 posts.

Meanwhile, SHOfT! experiences a sudden influx of international publiciy when its PR man, VLADIMIR PUTIN invades ALL OF ASIA, including RUSSIA and immediately forces everyone to pre-order the album on Roentgenizdat discs. The RUSSIAN MOB immediately collaborates, creating a floating spacestation, complete with ICBMs, lasers, and a recording studio, dubbed the International Slayings Station, confusingly abbreviated as the XMA. SheMorgisBjorg oozes into the XMA, along with Neck Menza, who unfortunately was sent there without any form of life support and is instead used as a food source. Edward Van Halen arrives safe and sound, but upon exiting his shuttle, begins playing "Eruption" as a warm up. This is quite simply too much FREEDOM for the XMA to handle, and immediately erupts, inexplicably, into flames. The screams of the burning musicians is captured on tape by BOB ROSS, UNDEAD PAINTER AND APPARENTLY RECORDING ARTIST, who then sees that all PREORDERS are fulfilled.

Hurtling downward, trapped in Earth´s gravity well, the XMA plummets inexorable collision course with THE COUTROOM currently housing the Incapables and JUDGE ITO.*