Here 'tis, Keenan...sort of.

[DEATH]

From a discussion about fuel injection systems on 3rdgen.org:

"I assumed F**d would have them as well, but I've only had one F**d and I traded it for a case of beer."

Nitro/Thumper

"Well, Mr. (Customer's name), after installing new device drivers for your printer, the printer has performed INFALLIBLY....."

(After I ask what the customer's CD labeled 'M.R.I. 4.6.1' was)
"That's a digital image of his.....internal.....head"

-Mark (fellow Computer Hospital technician)

[The Shadow]

lawlz...INFALLIBLY

So, tonight, a gaggle of Gallupites (well, only two out of four of us still work at Gallup, and the fifth member never has) went to Perfect Stranger tonight, and, true to form, my friend Lucas and I blabbed through the whole thing. A couple quotes:
Some Dude: "Someone got your source and shut him up. Somebody with a lot of zeroes."
Sheldon: "The JAPANESE???"

Halle Berry: "You f--cked Grace!"
Some Other Dude: "Well, who didn't?!?"
Lucas: *raises hand* (if you take his orientation into consideration, it's about 10 times funnier)

*Bruce Willis discovers Halle Berry attempting to steal crap from his office computer.*
Sheldon: "Is Bruce Willis gonna have to choke a bitch?"
Lucas: "Not just any bitch - Halle Berry!"

Then four of us hung out at Old Chicago for an hour, and there was a RIDICULOUSLY hilarious conversation that I won't quote here...but I will say this: after we stealthily suggested to our waitress that my friend T-Bone may not be the straightest of the bunch, there was an intriguing pattern that developed, in which our waitress would show up just he was saying something that, if heard out of context, would make him the gayest man since John Cheever. How gay is that, you ask? Trust me, really gay.

[DEATH]

At Julie's college graduation party yesterday:

*John, Shawn, Scott and myself approach the burrito bar*

*John lays a burrito flat on the plate and begins piling salad and burrito fillings impractically high on it*

Scott: "Uhh....what are you making there, buddy?"

Shawn: "It looks like some sort of salad bowl..."

Scott: "But it's.....flat.....?"

Shawn: "So...it's a pre-Columbus salad bowl?"

John: "I'LL PRE-COLUMBUS SALAD BOWL YOU!!"

*followed by approximately 746 jokes using "pre-Columbus salad bowl" as a verb*

[The Shadow]

and dorothy lynch sailing across it in a gravy boat to see if it's actually flat

[DEATH]

Me to Rebecca: "HEY! Two words...."

Rebecca to me: "COOKIE!"

[DEATH]

"OW! You like...Buttheaded my ear!"

- Rebecca Gibbs